My "family"...

I have a biological family, but my parents live in Kotka (about two hours away) and my brother lives with all my other relatives in Savonlinna and he is not really... well lets just not go there. So I have kind of build my own support network or a "Family".
My good friends know, they mean the world to me. Even in those times we don't get along, or have a fight. Some of them I've known for a long time and others have just become important to me.
I've always been a person that believes in "Because it feels right." and intuition. That little voice inside my head, that is saying "I really like this person and how he/she makes me feel." and bugs me until I do something about it. All the people in my inner circle have been that way and I hope at least some of them feel the same about me.
All the situations have been different and the ways I got to know the people differ a lot. But, all that is important, is that I love all of them from the bottom of my heart. Even if I move far away, I'll be there for them as much as I can.

From time to time, I have not listened to my intuition at all and ended up in bad situations with people. I have had my heart broken many times, even by just friends. In life you learn the hard way, always...
Here's some of my "family" and how I met them. Who should I start with...

Pii and Eltzu.
Some quite new people in my life, known them just a bit over a year.
Eltzu is a really sweet girl, with more problems than anyone I know. She is disabled and has a really bad OCD caused by trauma. I try to help her as much I can, even went to a hospital to visit her. I hate hospitals... We have done some crazy shit together and that's why I really enjoy her company. We can talk about anything and everything. No random idea is off-limit.
I met her through Meet-ups I go to almost every week. We studied in the same college and We had the same experiences there. A really shitty school... She has since been really dear to me.

Same time I met Eltzu, I also got to know Pii. When I met her, she was a Trans woman just starting her transition process. Somehow I just didn't see her gender really... I just saw Pii, not the Gender or what ever, maybe it's cause I used to thing, I should have been born as a guy... I liked her from the moment we met. She is the one I can have really deep intelligent conversations with and be goofy with, in one day. We love to shock people and do absurd things, watch absurd movies and talk about anything and everything, anywhere. Nowadays she has finally reached "puberty" and her boobs have crown a lot (had to say that ;)) It's kinda fun to talk about bras and girl things with someone who was born into a male body.

Ellu...
I met some years ago, I believe it's around ten years. Looking at the old pics of us together, I remember very little of that time. I have kinda chosen to forget everything before 20... But I do remember how I felt about her. I had a HUGE crush on her from the very first moment we met.
We both were in Espoo parish and we both were really into it... We used to hang out in the parishes youngsters cafe, Lujakallio and we both were confirmation camp workers and really into it... Looking back to those times, the old me would so not approve of my choices now. I was a good little Christian girl and could never think I would be like this.

Ellu is and always has been one of the most beautiful girls I know, inside and out. Unfortunately as I have said before I am a very difficult person to be with and I have a bad temper... Cause of Ellu's lack of a filter in what she says, I got offended by some of the things she said.
One of the things is that, We both had a crush on the same guy and well... He chose Ellu over me. I still think it was a bad choice on Ellus part, to date that guy, not just cause he ended up being a huge asshole, but cause he managed to destroy many other relationships in the process... He managed to get me in so many bad situations... 
Well anyway, I didn't really keep in touch with Ellu for a long time, cause of two reasons, I had a phase in my life that was me breaking away from almost everything to do with religion and the old me, and cause she managed to piss me off so bad. 
But, We fixed things and now for the past couple of years she has been one of the most important people in my life. Love her so much and she has been there for me in my worst times. 

Helen...
She is the only person I have known for the whole time I've lived in Espoo. We met the first time when I was 10 and she was in my little brothers class in school. That is 14 years... Longest time I've actually known anyone, besides my relatives. We weren't friends right away, but years later, she had been drinking with my brother and ended sleeping at our place. Ever since that, we have been friends. I lived one summer at her place, as did the whole crew we had back then. We've had times when, we really don't see each other much, but still every time we do it's the best times. We had a huge fight, cause of some drunken shit I said or did or what ever, a year ago. It was the worst being mad at her, it felt like a part of me was missing.
She has always been like a baby sister to me and I love her. She had an anniversary with her boyfriend today, 4 years... Holy shit that sounds like a long time, but well I think they are kinda perfect for each other. He has also become somewhat important to me. The 3 of us try to see each other every week since we live so near.
She really is more like me than any other. We like the same movies, same tv-shows and so many other things. I could say that she is one of the reasons to stay in Espoo, but as she herself said, I do what ever feels right. 




These are few of my family. There are others I have not written about... Yet...

Random old pic of me and Ellu <3

So I decided...

So I decided to start a new blog, once again, with an actual concept.

The point is to write about the things, that I call "My reasons to live". Meaning all the things I find important in my life, like my friends, music, movies and all the stuff, that make me me.

This first entry is about general stuff.

I'm a complicated persona and being me or with me is not easy at times. This past summer has once again proven to me, that I'm difficult and F'n tough. It hasn't been easy for me.

This Summer...
First I ended up making a bad decision and driving my, now ex, boyfriend into a corner. I felt really bad about it and having those problems with him, proved to be more difficult to handle than ever before. I loved him truly and in my fragile state of mind I fell apart completely. I wished I could fix it somehow, but well as you are soon to learn I could not.
It was the weekend of Juhannus (Finnish Mid-summer party) and I will never forget that Saturday.
My parents had just moved to Kotka and I wasn't feeling really secure, thanks to that. I have always been really close with my mom and she is the one person I have always been able to rely on, in any situation.
Also something people should know is, that I had had a Concussion on Thursday of that week. 
I thought, that me and my bf would spend the weekend together and had planned a surprise for him. When he did not want/could not spend it with me, I freaked. I had the biggest panic attack in a long time and ended up writing to him about how I feel, in the wrong kind of tone... I was not supposed to do that, really I just wanted him to know I am feeling insecure about him and other things.
The result of that was, Him pulling back and not talking to me like we used to. I Still feel part of the sting I felt the first night, that he did not write to me "Good night my love" or something like that. He wrote just "Good night..." Those 3 dots still feel like daggers driven in to my heart.

A couple of weeks went by. I couldn't work at all and stayed indoors. Finally I got myself up and went to Helsinki pride. After that day I started to finally feel a bit like life is still a possibility. Saw friends and had just genuine fun, but going back to work, I fell back into my depression. It wasn't that I don't like my job, it just reminds me about him.

Well... I'm not one to give up too easy. I had arranged to go to Horror shop, with one of my best friends Ellu. So we did. I spend 150 euros in there... I could probably spend all my money there, unless I have someone saying to me "Anni you can't afford to do that, you need to eat..." Like Ellu :)
I know the owner of Horror shop, Sami and he was quite happy to see us (probably mainly cause I had told him that I am going to finally shop there...) Sami told me about a gig, that same day. He was going there and I had promised to do something fun for my friend Eltzu's birthday.
I made a decision to take Eltzu to the gig and went to see the band in advance to an acoustic gig they had.

Flesh Roxon.
The band that was playing that night, Flesh Roxon, made a sudden shift somewhere inside my head. This band I had heard about, from my friends before, but never did go see them. Even when I had been invited to all the gigs in the greater Helsinki area, I just didn't think I would like them, and boy was I wrong.
At the acoustic gig, I completely fell in love with the music. It fit perfectly to my uncertain mood and just made me feel good. The singer was so funny in all the speech’s and the guys were so hot... Well I'm not a shallow person, but if someone looks good it always helps :P
I somehow felt really at home, at the gig and was laughing genuinely for the first time since Juhannus. Somehow the guys made me feel like I really want to get to know them.
Later that night Me and Eltzu headed to the gig. While there met up with a friend of mines mom, Minna. She told me that she has been to a lot of Flesh Roxon gigs and knew the singer. Made me happy to hear that, cause it was one step closer to maybe one day being able to say the same.
Gig was awesome and after it, I asked the drummer, Pete for a pic with him. He was so cute, seemed so shy and stuff, but did agree. I thanked him and smiled, knowing that, if he is as shy as he seems, I should not make him feel more uncomfortable, than I already had. Went in.
We had joked about, me tying up the guys and taking them home with Minna and Eltzu and well... Minna went to The singer, Nicky Rothen and told him about it. He didn't really respond to that much. I asked him for a pic too and Eltzu took it.
Felt so happy that night. I had finally found a new band to follow. I am a Fan girl so I do know it is unrealistic to think I could be their friend, but I still love the band and the guys as friends.


Now... 
I started to follow the band and have gone to as many gigs I could.  Just before one gig in Turku, almost a month ago, my cat fell down from my balcony and died. The guys were kinda there for me and I had a lot of fun at the gig. I miss my baby Sylvi so much :( Promised to myself I wont take another pet until I move somewhere else from this flat.
I also went to see Nicky's solo gigs and he is crazy good, or as a friend of mine said "His voice makes my panties wet..." Went to one a couple weeks ago in Tampere and found that Tampere is the city I was meant to be in. I love that place. I wish one day I'll move there. That gig was awesome and I got to do things I really like to do.
I have seen Flesh Roxon 3 times and Nicky solo 5 times now and just can't get enough. Helsinki, Tampere, Turku and Hyvinkää... Travelling has made me feel a lot better and opened my eyes to the possibility of changing scenery permanently. 

Well Now this is all I am going to say about my now ex boyfriend. He left me. I waited patiently for almost 3 months for him to make some kind of decision concerning me and he finally did, two weeks ago the same weekend I was in Tampere. I still do love him and will not say anything bad about him ever.

Thanks to all these problems I have had, I found a place that feels like I belong there and a awesome band that makes me feel happy, how ever bad the day has been. The way Life can surprise you once in a while is a good reason to live.

-yours truly

Picture I took of Nicky at Turku.