The point is to write about the things, that I call "My reasons to live". Meaning all the things I find important in my life, like my friends, music, movies and all the stuff, that make me me.
This first entry is about general stuff.
I'm a complicated persona and being me or with me is not easy at times. This past summer has once again proven to me, that I'm difficult and F'n tough. It hasn't been easy for me.
This Summer...
First I ended up making a bad decision and driving my, now ex, boyfriend into a corner. I felt really bad about it and having those problems with him, proved to be more difficult to handle than ever before. I loved him truly and in my fragile state of mind I fell apart completely. I wished I could fix it somehow, but well as you are soon to learn I could not.
It was the weekend of Juhannus (Finnish Mid-summer party) and I will never forget that Saturday.
My parents had just moved to Kotka and I wasn't feeling really secure, thanks to that. I have always been really close with my mom and she is the one person I have always been able to rely on, in any situation.
Also something people should know is, that I had had a Concussion on Thursday of that week.
I thought, that me and my bf would spend the weekend together and had planned a surprise for him. When he did not want/could not spend it with me, I freaked. I had the biggest panic attack in a long time and ended up writing to him about how I feel, in the wrong kind of tone... I was not supposed to do that, really I just wanted him to know I am feeling insecure about him and other things.
The result of that was, Him pulling back and not talking to me like we used to. I Still feel part of the sting I felt the first night, that he did not write to me "Good night my love" or something like that. He wrote just "Good night..." Those 3 dots still feel like daggers driven in to my heart.
A couple of weeks went by. I couldn't work at all and stayed indoors. Finally I got myself up and went to Helsinki pride. After that day I started to finally feel a bit like life is still a possibility. Saw friends and had just genuine fun, but going back to work, I fell back into my depression. It wasn't that I don't like my job, it just reminds me about him.
Well... I'm not one to give up too easy. I had arranged to go to Horror shop, with one of my best friends Ellu. So we did. I spend 150 euros in there... I could probably spend all my money there, unless I have someone saying to me "Anni you can't afford to do that, you need to eat..." Like Ellu :)
I know the owner of Horror shop, Sami and he was quite happy to see us (probably mainly cause I had told him that I am going to finally shop there...) Sami told me about a gig, that same day. He was going there and I had promised to do something fun for my friend Eltzu's birthday.
I made a decision to take Eltzu to the gig and went to see the band in advance to an acoustic gig they had.
Flesh Roxon.
The band that was playing that night, Flesh Roxon, made a sudden shift somewhere inside my head. This band I had heard about, from my friends before, but never did go see them. Even when I had been invited to all the gigs in the greater Helsinki area, I just didn't think I would like them, and boy was I wrong.
At the acoustic gig, I completely fell in love with the music. It fit perfectly to my uncertain mood and just made me feel good. The singer was so funny in all the speech’s and the guys were so hot... Well I'm not a shallow person, but if someone looks good it always helps :P
I somehow felt really at home, at the gig and was laughing genuinely for the first time since Juhannus. Somehow the guys made me feel like I really want to get to know them.
Later that night Me and Eltzu headed to the gig. While there met up with a friend of mines mom, Minna. She told me that she has been to a lot of Flesh Roxon gigs and knew the singer. Made me happy to hear that, cause it was one step closer to maybe one day being able to say the same.
Gig was awesome and after it, I asked the drummer, Pete for a pic with him. He was so cute, seemed so shy and stuff, but did agree. I thanked him and smiled, knowing that, if he is as shy as he seems, I should not make him feel more uncomfortable, than I already had. Went in.
We had joked about, me tying up the guys and taking them home with Minna and Eltzu and well... Minna went to The singer, Nicky Rothen and told him about it. He didn't really respond to that much. I asked him for a pic too and Eltzu took it.
Felt so happy that night. I had finally found a new band to follow. I am a Fan girl so I do know it is unrealistic to think I could be their friend, but I still love the band and the guys as friends.
Now...
I started to follow the band and have gone to as many gigs I could. Just before one gig in Turku, almost a month ago, my cat fell down from my balcony and died. The guys were kinda there for me and I had a lot of fun at the gig. I miss my baby Sylvi so much :( Promised to myself I wont take another pet until I move somewhere else from this flat.
I also went to see Nicky's solo gigs and he is crazy good, or as a friend of mine said "His voice makes my panties wet..." Went to one a couple weeks ago in Tampere and found that Tampere is the city I was meant to be in. I love that place. I wish one day I'll move there. That gig was awesome and I got to do things I really like to do.
I have seen Flesh Roxon 3 times and Nicky solo 5 times now and just can't get enough. Helsinki, Tampere, Turku and Hyvinkää... Travelling has made me feel a lot better and opened my eyes to the possibility of changing scenery permanently.
Well Now this is all I am going to say about my now ex boyfriend. He left me. I waited patiently for almost 3 months for him to make some kind of decision concerning me and he finally did, two weeks ago the same weekend I was in Tampere. I still do love him and will not say anything bad about him ever.
Thanks to all these problems I have had, I found a place that feels like I belong there and a awesome band that makes me feel happy, how ever bad the day has been. The way Life can surprise you once in a while is a good reason to live.
-yours truly
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